The Laughter session

A special thanks to my 9 yr old son, Jack, tonight. Somehow, he knew the right thing to do. There are times I just don't know the right thing to say, but I'm trying hard to say the right thing, and I can tell by the look on my kid's face, or the response he gives me, that I'm not hitting home. I'm not "making it all better." That was me tonight in the car as my 11 yr old described the dynamic between he and some other boys at school. As he was mentioning bullying, name-calling, getting tripped at recess etc, I was trying to think of both what the Christian response should be and also what response he was looking for from me. I found myself mentioning things from "just walk away" to "knock him flat next time." I waivered in my own head and heart about how to respond. I mentioned "self-confidence" and "your true friends," but I also threw in some "they must be jealous." I was doing all right, but not feeling I had lightened the mood in the car. And certainly wasn't sure I had come through with the Christian response. Suddenly my 9 yr old (who incidentally antagonizes, teases, and attacks his older brother on a regular basis) begins a comedic monologue on "how to get rid of a bully." He uses a foreign accent. He uses goofy language. He uses a little lightweight bathroom humor. And he scores BIG TIME. He has his older brother, formerly in a funk, laughing so hard he can't catch his breath. He has his older brother begging for more funny ideas from his younger brother, more funny monologues to make him forget his troubles. As I listen to this connection between brothers, this gift of one brother's ability to help the other through a struggle, tears roll down my face from laughter, and from thankfulness for this much needed moment that I could not conjur up, but that my 9 yr old was able to pull out of a hat. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. God gives us these specific children for a reason. He gives them eachother for a reason. We must keep them close. To us. And to eachother. also I don't want to forget: -Charlie played peak-a-boo with my aunt and uncle continually for a good 15 minutes tonight. I forgot how at 2 they never tire of it, and they are as excited the 100th time as they are at the 1st "boo!" -Scotty is nearly looking me in the eye at 11 yrs old. I need to start wearing more heals. -Ben ran around at nanna's birthday party saying, "I'm a hugger" and hugging everyone in his path! -Elaina invited all the girls in our family (aunts and babies included) to our house for a girl's night sleepover tonight. Since I can't deny my one daughter her sweet request, some time we may have to actually do this.

Talking

"Mom, did you know I just defeated the multileveled, top rated game defense in three seperate offensive strategies?" "I don't know what you are talking about." "Well, there are many levels of the Super Smash Brothers video game defense and.................." Holy cow, my kids can say the weirdest stuff and they can talk about it non-stop, never tiring of hearing their own voices. "MOM. MOM! There is a little caterpillar, right over there by the tree!" "wow honey, that's nice." "Well, MOM! Can I take him inside, I want to take him inside, I want to take care of him, what should I feed him, what do caterpillars eat, I think it is grass, I gave him some, and he ate it....." They speak continually when we are in the car. They chat through an entire movie. Sometimes I finally stop them by saying, "honey, lets just WATCH the movie and we can talk about it all AFTER the movie." or my favorite line, "Babe, I want to listen to you, but right now I just can't seem to, so lets wait for a time when I can actually pay attention to you, k? "Ma. Ma. Ma. Ma. Ma." "oh...what dear?" "Ma. Ma. Ma. Ma. Ma. down." I think they like to hear their own voices and they hate uncomfortable silences. As we get older I think we begin to enjoy silent times. This does not mix with the child's point of view on conversation. They are fine with monologues. So, I nod my head about every 3 seconds. But lately to keep myself from shutting down the constant chatter, I have been telling myself this: "Some day they won't want to talk to me. It will be like pulling teeth to get them to tell me anything about their lives. Perhaps if I remain as "interested" as possible in their thoughts now, they will get used to telling me things. And one day I will have a teenager that will open up to his/her mom about something that will be as important to them then as the video game and caterpillar are to them now." also I don't want to forget: -Charlie has been taking off his shoes in the car ever since I got him some new velcro sneekers. I think he is doing it so that I will do the "little piggies" rhyme. He loves it. -After working with a learning consultant today for like 2.5 hours, Elaina came out to me in the waiting area and hugged me so tight, and she still has that great baby fat here and there, and so it was a very nice cheek to cheek squeeze. I'll miss it when she gets to be a bony teen. -At dinner tonight I heard Elaina whispering to daddy all the things I picked out at the store that I wanted for Mother's Day. She's Awesome.

Decisions

He was inching...no really he was more like sprinting towards the fountain. And when he (2yrs old) got there he didn't really think at all, just started climbing on it. Soaking himself head to toe. At one point he began to lean over and drink from the public, park, rock water fountain. (yuck). We were running a little late and he (4yrs) needed to decide what hotwheels cars to bring on our little walk. "I'll take this one for me because it is my favorite, and this one for Luke because he likes Spiderman, and 2 little ones for the babies." I told Elaina (6) that if she ate the extra cookie, then she would not be taking one in her lunch tomorrow. She eyed the cookie, considered, and began scarfing it down. Jack: "But mom, I really want that flamingo puppet!" Mom: "If you buy the big puppet, then you won't have any money left in your savings, and none left for charity either." Jack: "I guess I could just get the little baby puppet, then I will have some left over..." He (11 yrs) came out of school ecstatic about the Scholastic book order item: "a real webcam for only $20, that comes with editing software!" Mom: " Just think about the fact that it only costs $20. It may not be a very sturdy item." Scotty: "Well, I was just so excited, and I have a great idea of what I could do with it. I thought you would think it was a cool idea. I guess maybe it isn't." Mom: "No, no, it is a really neat idea, I just want you to think about your options of borrowing my video camera, and think about being careful with the one you purchase if you decide to do so, because it may not be all that sturdy." They are only 2, 4, 6, 9 and 11 and they make decisions all day long. (Well the 2 yr old sort of "jumped right in" no pun intended). And I wonder, when do I step in with the advice? When do I let them make their own decisions? When do I just try to steer their decision? I know that if I let them make a decision that I know will lead to some sort of failure or sadness, they could learn from it. I know this in my head. However, in my heart I just want so badly to steer them exactly down the path that will always lead to the "happy outcome," the cookie in the lunchbox, the sturdier webcam that comes from saving longer. And so sometimes I just downright fail at the "letting them make a bad decision." Kind of like when I told my daughter she wouldn't get the cookie in her lunchbox if she ate the extra one the night before...ya, I still gave her the one in her lunchbox. So, she learned NOTHING! Being a mom is hard! You just want them to have the cookie in their lunchbox. You want them to have the happy outcome no matter what, because you just love seeing your kids happy. But I know it isn't the right lesson. So, I am going to try my very hardest to let my 11 yr old get his cheap webcam, and when it breaks, I vow to not give him his money back. And I will be so sad for him. also don't want to forget: - (well actually I kind of do want to forget this one, but once again, I vowed to document the gross...) Charlie woke from his nap where he had been sleeping in only a diaper. I walk up the stairs to find him standing at the gate of his room covered in his own poo. Smiling ear to ear. - I took the kids to Taco Bell/Pizza Hut for a quick little Cinco De Mayo celebration (husband worked late), and every kid ordered PIZZA.

Soccer

A small thing, but worth remembering. Ben (4) says, "Mom, lets play soccer (pronounced saw-kuh)!" We proceed outside and begin to kick the ball back and forth. After a while he is trying to drop-kick and keeps missing or barely kicking it, and laughing about it. So, I drop-kick a somewhat high one into the air. By his reaction, you would think I had just scored the winning goal at a state championship. He is so proud of me and is in awe. High-fives all around! Eventually I have to take Charlie inside for a nap. Ben follows, waiting outside the door. As soon as I am finished Ben is on my heels ready to play soccer again. "I just have to switch a load of laundry and return one email, then we will go back out." He stands at my side while I do both of these things, waiting. Leaning on my arm as I email. I look at the clock and realize I'm running out of soccer time. Kids will be home soon from school soon, and chaos will ensue. He mentions soccer agian. I finally tell him, "Buddy, how about when Jack (9) gets home, you guys can go outside and play soccer some more." Slightly dejected look on his face, mixed with a little hope to play with his big brother. I am waiting for something to download, he is just staring at me. "Hey Ben, lets run outside and kick it around a little bit more while I wait for this thing to download." Ben: "OK!!!! I love saw-kuh, mom, and you are good at it, and I am going to practice....!" The smallest things make the hugest difference with my four-yr-old. If I just can keep that in mind, I'm golden...And actually, it seems to be true for all my kids at all their ages, so at least I get to hold onto this phenomenon for while longer: Scotty (11) revels in getting time to tell me the full extent of his stories he is writing, Jack was thrilled to teach me some guitar last night, Elaina didin't even mind doing homework because it was with just me, and Charlie only wanted mom after his nap, and all he wanted was to sit on the sofa together. If I could add about 10 hours to my day, I could give a little more of this full-attention to the kids and at the end of the day perhaps my laundry would be done, and my kitchen wouldn't look like a bomb went off. But really - that's a small price to pay for the "moments." And the kitchen never looks at me with a big smile and high-fives me for a job well-done anyway.

"Peter Andrews says I'm gross"

My daughter (6) in her pink tights, black leotard and black tutu was playing in the backyard. Getting grass stains on her tights. Black-brown hair flopping out of its ponytail. Cheeks pink from the sun. Eyes wide and dark brown matching her beauty mark on her cheek. She skips up to me, "Peter Andrews says I'm gross." mom: "Well, honey, do you think you are gross?" Elaina: "No." mom: "what did you do?" Elaina: "I walked away." mom: "Ok, then." Elaina: "Ok." It was too easy. She fully believed and trusted me and herself. So, why do I want to go kick Peter's butt? Because he called my sweet little girl gross. I realize this is only the beginning. I realize it because I've been through it with my older kids. Someone calls them a name or makes fun of them, and sometimes they don't even see or hear the comment. But if I hear it or see it, I am just heartbroken for my child. My son said it best once when he (10 yrs at the time) said, "Mom, I know he just acts like that because he wants to be popular, but I think he is actually a nice guy." How grown up?! I want to be like him. I want to be like my daughter who can get over being called gross just by realizing that she herself doesn't think she is gross. So, the next time someone "tisks" their tongue and rolls their eyes at my kids for being too playful in line at the grocery store, or knocking something from a shelf, instead of wanting to pound that person, I will try to take the high road of my kids and smile, realizing that it is what I believe that matters. And today, what I believe is that my children are stronger than I think, can handle more than I suspect, and can respond more maturely than I realized. But I'm not saying I won't be giving Elaina an extra kiss tonight while she sleeps. also I don't want to forget: -Jack gave Charlie a bath tonight, got soap in his eyes accidentally, wrapped him in a towel, walked him downstairs to me and asked me to help him with a very concerned look on his face. Charlie was crying, and Jack was soooo sorry. After I got the soap out of his eyes, Jack insisted on "finishing the job" by diapering him himself and putting him to bed. -Jack also wrote me a very sweet love note tonight saying that "dad is lucky" and that he "loves me more than anything he has ever loved." He signed it: "your friend, Jack"

I smell boys

Tonight we walked in the door from our vacation and my two older boys and I headed down the street for 6pm church. At church we do the sign of peace. At the sign of peace I always kiss my boys on the head. I often inhale their "boy smell." Sometimes I grin, but other times I am just reminded that they need showers before bed. Tonight I smelled clorine. The smell of summer. Summer means I don't have to beg them to shower every night, because at least every other night the swimming pool counts as bathing. Then I got home from church to find my 2-yr-old a grubby mess from having played in the sand, eaten something sticky, and just pooped his pants. A mixture of interesting scents right there. I picked up my 4-yr-old at the end of an evening of riding bikes and jumping on the trampoline and his hair was all sweaty and stuck together. And so as I carried him home from the neighbors, his head just below my chin, I smelled all the fun he had this evening. After I bathed and washed everybody's hair, I laid down with Ben (4) and Elaina (6) and began reading books. Mr. Bike-rider, Trampoline Guy snuggled in with his wet, clean head right below my chin once more, and I got the sweet wiff of clean, cozy, ready for a long, safe night's sleep. Some people, me included at times, will make a sour face and complain of that "boy smell" that kids get from playing outside etc. But tonight, I just want to document and try to remember all their scents, because before I know it, they will all be too tall for me to reach the tops of their heads to smell!

Family Bed

When we get these hotel rooms for the overnight stay on a long drive, we try to find hotels that have suites so there are enough spots to sleep for everyone in the family. 3 queens does it (2 in each bed and a pack-n-play for the baby). Not sure what we will do when the baby outgrows the crib. So, we landed at the same hotel on the way home from FL as we did on the way there - a two bedroom suite with 2 queens and a fold out sofa. Perfect. So, we all settle in watching movies and eating pizza etc. Pete and I promptly fall asleeep before most of the kids and what do I find when I wake at 2am? Baby snoozing in the crib. And all 4 other kids snuggled in on the sofa sleeper. I totally should have taken a picture.

I wonder all the time if I am instilling a closeness between the kids. Nice loving sibling relationships. I grew up in a family of 8 children and we are all very close today. Now that I have my own big family I am constantly studying my past to try to mimick whatever it was that kept us close. Here is what I have come up with:

-Share bedrooms as long as it is reasonable. (at some point my boys will be too large for their twin beds - my husband being 6'6" - and we may have to rearrange) One night I heard my boys singing Christmas carols together during the week before Christmas. Another night they were having a great conversation about friends at school.

- Let them fight out their own battles. If we intervene all the time they can't learn that fine art of "getting over a grudge quickly so they could go on to the next thing to play together."

- Pray together at dinner at least. We are often touched when they pray for eachother outloud. (We also aim for night-time and a morning prayer, or at least a Christian rock song on in the car on the way to school.)

- Insist that they must always be on their brother/sister's side when friends are involved in an argument.

- Take family vacations together - no extra friends along - I mean realistically why in the world would we ask along another child not already in our family, too expensive, and plenty of people to hang with right here in our own fam!

- Let them share. We have learned through the years that they don't each need their own Buzz Lightyear and their own Woody - they can each get one and share. And fight, and steal the other's toy...but them working that out is all part of my master plan...Ah! Ah! Ah!

- Cheer eachother on at sporting events - Usually after the games I hear my boys telling eachother what they did that was good in the game, and sometimes they tell eachother what they could have done better, but either way, they actually have a nice conversation about it!

I also think we are just lucky in having a big family. There are just some times that the closeness "happens" without any trying at all....like on a sleeper sofa in an overnight hotel room on our way home from Florida.

also don't want to forget:

-my kids just used all the sheets in the whole hotel room to build a fort in here. my apologies to the cleaning crew.

-Ben just found the $6 bottle of water in the fridge in the hotel room and was ecstatic. He said, "I didn't know there was a nice cold water bottle right there in the fridgerator! I wanted one, and hewe it is!" We had to let him open it after that.

-Ben just jumped out of the hotel room closet singing at the top of his voice "HALELUIA!"

- Ben just walked over to me and said, "hey, I forgot my morning hug!"

- Jack just insisted that the screaming coming from Ben from the room he was in with the other kids had nothing to do with him, all he was doing was "hugging" Ben.